Editor’s Note: Help is available if you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or mental health matters.
In the US: Call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Globally: The International Association for Suicide Prevention and Befrienders Worldwide have contact information for crisis centers around the world.
CNN
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Boston Red Sox star Jarren Duran said he attempted to take his own life when struggling with his mental health following two difficult on-the-field seasons in 2021 and 2022 to begin his MLB career.
In episode four of a new, eight-part Netflix docuseries, “The Clubhouse: A Year With the Red Sox,” the 2024 All-Star game MVP recalled how external and internal negativity led him to depression.
“I would think every day: ‘I can’t f**king do this,’” Duran said. “I couldn’t deal with telling myself how much I sucked every f**king day. I was already hearing it from fans and what they say to me, it’s like I haven’t already told myself 10 times worse than that in the mirror.
“It was a pretty low time for me. Like I didn’t even want to be here anymore.”
Docuseries director Greg Whiteley then asked Duran if he meant in Boston or on planet Earth.
“Probably both,” he replied. “That was a really tough time for me. I got to the point where I was sitting in my room, I had my rifle and I had a bullet, and I pulled the trigger and the gun clicked, but nothing happened.
“So to this day I think God just didn’t let me take my own life because I seriously don’t know why it didn’t go off, but I took it as a sign of like: ‘Alright, I might have to be here for a reason.’”
After the suicide attempt, Duran says he looked at himself in the mirror and told himself: “‘Obviously, you’re f**king here for a reason, so let’s f**king be the way you want to be, let’s play the way you want to play, and let’s just live the way I want to live.’”
Red Sox president and CEO Sam Kennedy praised Duran for speaking publicly about his personal struggles in a statement to MLB.com.
“Jarren’s decision to share his story is an act of courage that reaches far beyond baseball,” Kennedy told MLB.com. “By opening up, he’s showing others who may be struggling that they’re not alone and that asking for help isn’t just OK, it’s essential.”
In a statement published after the docuseries was released, Duran said it “felt important” for him to share his experience.
“And if my story can help even one person, then it was worth telling,” he added. “It’s that ability to help, to reach those who feel alone, that motivated me to tell my story.”
His parents, Octavio and Dena, said they only recently learned what Duran went through.
“We are beyond grateful that he is still here, that he has found the courage to keep going, and that he is using his voice to help others,” they said in a statement.
“We are incredibly proud of the man he is today and love him more than words can say.”
‘Still alive’
Episode four, titled “Still alive,” charts Duran’s rise from a seventh-round draft pick in 2018 to becoming one of the most promising young prospects in baseball.
After struggling in his rookie season in 2021 and the following campaign, Duran’s career began to improve in 2023 after he was recalled from the minor leagues. In 2024, the 28-year-old became a first-time All-Star and finished eighth in MVP voting.
The episode reflects on Duran’s struggles adapting to playing in the outfield when he first made it to MLB, and the negative fan and media reactions those struggles drew.
“I feel like people see us as zoo animals sometimes ‘cause we in this big old cage. People are trying to throw popcorn at you, get a picture with you, get you attention, scream your name,” Duran explained.
“Sometimes, some fans take it too serious. I feel they cross the line when they start talking about my mental health and making fun of me for that, calling me weak.
“It just triggered me when you start talking about mental health … I feel like that’s just part of it is that loneliness. Some people deal with it better than others.”
Duran said he has never been somebody that reads newspapers or things that are written about him, but describes how there is sometimes no escaping the negativity.
“I remember being at the stadium and hearing my name called, and they would boo,” Duran recalled. “I’m like: ‘Damn.’”
Duran said at times it felt like he was on “a fricking island all by myself and the world was falling apart beneath my feet.”
Under MLB’s current basic agreement, all 30 teams are required to provide mental health services for players, including access to a licensed psychologist.
Duran later describds how journaling has helped him navigate his emotions to find out why he feels a certain way.
Writing down positive affirmations helps, too. Before each game, the outfielder writes “f**k ‘em” on his left wrist, a message to his demons, and “still alive” on his right wrist, a message to himself.
“I’m still here and I’m still fighting,” he says.
